Awesome Cyber Monday

({T}: Add {U}.)

You gain life equal to your age.

As Gluetius Maximus enters the battlefield, an opponent chooses one of your fingers. (Thumbs are fingers, too.) When the chosen finger isn't touch...

{G}, {T}: Return target card with a ½ on it from your graveyard to your hand.

As Form of the Squirrel enters the battlefield, create a 1/1 green Squirrel creature token. You lose the game when that creature leaves the battlef...

Fat Ass gets +2/+2 and has trample as long as you're eating. (Gum isn't food. We checked.)

Elvish House Party's power and toughness are each equal to the current hour, using the twelve-hour system.

Gotcha — If an opponent says "creature" or "guy," you may say "Gotcha!" When you do, return Creature Guy from your graveyard to your hand.

Trample Whenever a player casts a spell, put a chip counter on its mana value. B-I-N-G-O gets +9/+9 for each set of three numbers in a row with chi...

All creatures have haste. Players play with the top card of their libraries revealed. Noninstant, nonsorcery cards on top of a library are on the...

Destroy target land. Gotcha — If an opponent touches their face, you may say "Gotcha!" When you do, return Touch and Go from your graveyard to you...

Whenever another creature enters the battlefield, you may stand up and say in a deep, booming voice, "Presenting . . . " and that creature's name. ...

Sauté deals 3½ damage to any target.

As Six-y Beast enters the battlefield, you secretly put six or fewer +1/+1 counters on it, then an opponent guesses the number of counters. If that...

Super haste (This may attack the turn before you cast it. (You may put this card from your hand onto the battlefield tapped and attacking during yo...

{R}, {T}, Sacrifice a creature: Pygmy Giant deals X damage to target creature, where X is a number in the sacrificed creature's text box.

Whenever Red-Hot Hottie deals damage to a creature, put a third-degree-burn counter on that creature. It gains "At the beginning of each end step, ...

Punctuate deals damage to target creature equal to half the number of punctuation marks in that creature's text box. (The punctuation marks are ! ?...

Sacrifice a creature or land: Add {HR}.

When Orcish Paratroopers enters the battlefield, flip it from a height of at least one foot. Sacrifice Orcish Paratroopers unless it turns over com...

Add {R} for each nonland permanent with art by the artist of your choice.

Say "Goblin S.W.A.T. Team": Put a +1/+1 counter on Goblin S.W.A.T. Team unless an opponent swats the table within five seconds. Activate only once ...

As Drawn Together enters the battlefield, choose an artist. Creatures with art by the chosen artist get +2/+2.

Protection from wordy (Something is wordy if it has four or more lines of rules text.)